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Seek First to Understand
"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply," said Stephen Covey. Furthermore, he said that we usually listen at one of these four levels:
- Ignoring - We are not really listening at all.
- Pretending - We nod in agreement and say, "Yes, uh-huh."
- Selective listening - We only hear what we want to hear.
- Attentive listening - We do pay attention and focus our energy on the words being said.
The 5th level of listening, empathic listening, as described by Covey is "listening with intent to understand."
"Empathic listening gets inside another person's frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel." Moreover, "only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is represented by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language," he continued.
Therefore, you "listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You use your right brain as well as your left. You sense, you intuit, you feel."
You listen to hear the feelings behind the words.
Understanding is the key in our ability to communicate with others, and if we are to achieve success in our personal and professional lives, we must listen at the 5th level.
It's not about you. Seek first to understand what your spouse is saying, what he wants, or his position on a matter you are discussing. Then speak. Seek first to understand your child's needs or concerns, and then act. Take the skill to the business world. "Diagnose before you prescribe," as Covey said. Seek first to understand your clients' needs. Gather all the information, ask questions, listen with your eyes and your heart, and get into the other person's frame of reference. Then offer solutions.
Empathic listening is a skill to be developed. The more open you are to your own feelings, the more open you will be to those of others. Furthermore, when you increase your capacity for empathy, you will find the rapport you have with others increases significantly. That translates into more meaningful relationships in your personal and business worlds.
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