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Stephanie Houseman, DMD, Coach, Author, Speaker, is the creator of the 7 Steps 2 a Balanced Life Program(TM). She works with professionals who feel their life is a juggling act and helps them to discover how to have more joy and more LIFE in their life. She is committed to assisting you in restoring balance in your personal and professional life.
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How to Make Criticism a Win-Win
The big blow up just occurred. The boss came in and let out a tirade against one of his (her) employees while the other team members sat in stunned silence. Can you feel the dagger?
Ouch!! Criticism hurts, especially when not given properly. Take the above scenario for example. The boss acted inappropriately. First, he let loose his pent up anger rather than confront the problem (issue, concern) when it first occurred, and/or he allowed small concerns to become one big one. Second, he released his anger (directed at only one person) in front of everyone else.
Maybe you've been on the receiving end of such criticism and perhaps you've even been the one to give it.
You've heard the saying, "Criticize the behavior, not the person." It's true. "A character attack-calling someone stupid or incompetent-misses the point. You immediately put him on the defensive, so that he's no longer receptive to what you have to tell him about how to do things better," said J.R. Larson, a University of Illinois at Urbana psychologist. The one criticized has his guard up now and there is no way you will motivate this employee to make any changes for the better.
There is an art to criticism, and it applies to situations in and out of the workplace. In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman writes of a psychologist turned corporate consultant who gives the following advice on the art of criticism when you are the one giving it. Harry Levinson speaks of four principles:
- Be specific. It demoralizes people to be told they are doing "something" or "everything" wrong, without knowing exactly what it is. "Focus on the specifics, saying what the person did well, what was done poorly, and how it could be changed," Levinson said. Many times in the heat of anger, all of a person's past baggage is dredged up. That is not conducive to creating change.
- Offer a solution. The critique should point to a way to fix the problem. (I do not advocate fixing the problem yourself - that's taking the monkey from them.) Levinson says this step will "open the door to possibilities and alternatives that the person did not realize were there, or simply sensitize her to deficiencies that need attention-but should include suggestions about how to take care of these problems."
- Be present. Are you afraid to have a "criticism" conversation with someone and feel that a memo will do the job just as well? NOT! Keep your talks face-to-face. This allows for a dialogue and the exchange of ideas.
- Be sensitive. Be empathetic. Be attuned to the feelings of others. When you give feedback in a hurtful fashion, "instead of opening the way for a corrective, it creates an emotional backlash of resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and distance," said Levinson. Is this how you want your office or home culture to be?
Let's not forget the person who is on the receiving end of criticism. How can they fare better? Levinson offers three tips:
- See the criticism as valuable information about how to do better, not as a personal attack. (That's easier said than done!)
- Watch for your impulse to go on the defensive instead of taking responsibility for your actions or behavior. (Yes, personal responsibility.)
- See criticism as an opportunity to work together with the critic to solve the problem, and not be adversaries. (Together, everyone achieves more.)
Criticism often gets a bad rap - not only in the workplace but also in the home. Turn criticism into a "win-win" for everyone involved when you follow the principles outlined above.
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"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."
Dale Carnegie
"He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help."
Abraham Lincoln
"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you."
Sir William Arthur
"Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise."
Mary Kay Ash
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I have no criticism of my trip toColorado, other than the headache I had the first day while I adjusted to the altitude. This beach person found the mountains majestic. John and I spent a few days inEstesParkand theRockyMountainNational Parkbefore we headed south toColorado Springs. We hit all the major attractions, including a ride up toPike's Peakon the Cog Railroad. Dinner with a dental school classmate of mine whom I haven't seen in twenty-five years was great fun.
So was the annual meeting of the American Association of Women Dentists. It is always good to see old friends and meet new ones. My "Clarity, Clocks, and Confidence" presentation was well received, and I will have video clips up on my website soon. Don't miss next year's meeting inChicago- June 19-22, 2008. Leadership is the theme.
We've been back a week now and we have visitors - a Mama turkey and her five baby turkeys. I don't know where they came from; perhaps they were attracted by the corn fields. They sure are cute and fun to watch as they stroll around the yard with Mama in the lead.
By the way, I hate criticism. I was never good at giving it in a healthy way and the dagger ran deep when I was on the receiving end. The pointers by Levinson give hope to the phrase "constructive criticism."
Have a fantastic week and make criticism a win-win.
Stephanie
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We grow by "word-of-email" so please feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone whom you think might benefit from and enjoy it. Thanks so much!
Contact Us: stephanie@7steps2abalancedlife.com
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Copyright 2006 - Dr. Stephanie Houseman
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