Ditch the Doormat

 

Is there a doormat surrounding your space?  “People seldom want to walk over you until you lie down.”  If your doormat is in place (and welcoming others) then the above words by Elmer Wheeler probably ring true for you.  When you lie down, you certainly are not standing up for yourself and this is crucial to being assertive.

 

Doormats are passive; their actions (or inactions) show others that they matter, but you, the doormat do not.  Doormats exhibit low self esteem. At the other end of the spectrum are the aggressors.  They demonstrate to others that they don’t matter; the aggressor is the only one that matters.  Somewhere in the middle are the assertive people.  They show others that both of you matter.  

 

How can you ditch the doormat and become more assertive?   Follow these tips:

• Ask for what you want.  Don’t be shy.  Get out there and ask because you deserve to have what you want just as much as the other person does.  Keep your requests specific and do not demand or manipulate.  Be sincere and ask from your heart.
• Speak your truth and speak up clearly and with confidence.  Communicate your feelings to others and state exactly what you want from them.  Let your voice be heard. 
• Create healthy boundaries.  Know what you will accept from others and what you will not tolerate.  Doormats suffer when they let others cross their boundaries. 
• Take responsibility for your feelings and refuse to play the blame game. You hand over your power to others when you blame.
• Respect yourself and the rights of others in your life.  Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and opinions.
• Say “yes” when you want to say “yes” and “no” when you want to say “no”.   
• Confront the conflict, rather than avoid it.  When doormats avoid the conflict, they stuff their feelings, give in to the other person, and reinforce the message to themselves that their feelings and wants do not matter.  Look the conflict in the eye and deal with it. Keep at it until you become comfortable being uncomfortable.
• Be a victor, and not a victim.   Live from a place of triumph, not defeat.  Victims lose their power; victors retain it.   
• Acknowledge yourself for the gifted person you are.  No one can put you down.
• Start with small acts of assertiveness and build from there.   Give yourself credit for your successes and learn from your missteps.
• Use “I” statements when communicating with others.  This helps you get clear about your feelings so that you can express them.  For example, “I” feel _____ (your emotions) when you do ________(focus on the behavior).  The change I want is _________ (focus on the results).  If you want something from another, then say what you want.  “I” want _________.  Avoid blaming others in statements such as, “You are making me angry.”  Change it to “I am angry.”

 

Remember the saying “We teach others how to treat us.”  When you treat yourself with respect and are able to be assertive, others will treat you as the self-confident and self-assured person you are. You can ditch the doormat and stand up tall in your power. 

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” 
    Dr. Seuss

 

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”  
    Raymond Hull

 

“Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” 
    Benjamin Disraeli

 

“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and well being of others.”
     Sharon Anthony Bower

Too bad Assertive Training 101 was not taught in school; I could have benefited from it immensely. I was bright, had my circle of friends, excelled in sports, was the teacher’s pet numerous times, and an overall great kid.  But, I had such low self-esteem and was very passive.  I could blame my parents and growing up in a tight knit rather controlling Greek family, but I won’t.  I was responsible for my beliefs, no one else.  I was the one who rolled out the doormat.

 

Everyone was welcome; my parents, siblings, some of my friends, and later my husband, children, employees, and patients. I would avoid conflict and confrontation like the plague and found it difficult to speak my truth for fear of distancing others.  I was a dynamic people-pleaser and a master at giving away my power.

 

It has been a journey to reclaim my power and become comfortable in my own skin.  I simply got tired of pleasing everyone else at the expense of myself. I had to answer many questions along the way.  What were my truths?  What was I missing in my life by being passive? Who could I be if I stood in victory?  I want to be that person and that’s what keeps the doormat rolled up and out of sight.

 

Have a great week and ditch the doormat.

 

Stephanie

 

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