February 13, 2007

The Languages of Love   Have you heard the joke about the married couple?   Wife:  "Honey, how come you don't tell me you love me anymore?" Husband:  "I told you I loved you when we got married and that has never changed."   Sounds like they are not talking the right love language.    You think you're expressing your love but maybe it's not perceived that way by your spouse.  Everyone has their own "language", which when acknowledged, fills their love tank readily.  This language transcends marriage and extends to your relationships with your children, friends, co-workers, employees, and others.   In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman describes five different languages.    Words of Affirmation.  This person wants to hear words of encouragement, appreciation, and support.  That's how they know others care about them.  They also want to receive the card, the love letter/poem.  Quality Time.  This person desires undivided attention from their partner.  Quality activities and quality conversations matter.  That means no multi-tasking is allowed and effective listening is critical.  Receiving gifts.  This person craves the visual symbols of love or friendship. The gifts can be store bought or made, and do not have to cost a lot of money.  The gift of their partner just being there for this person, such as in a time of crisis, is also meaningful. Acts of Service.  This person needs the other to help with chores around the house, a project that needs to get done, running errands, etc.  It's all about what the other person does for you.  These acts of service must not be done begrudgingly or under threat.  Physical touch.  This person requires physical contact for the relationship to be satisfying.  The type of touch desired varies from person to person and must be communicated to your partner.    Different people express love and friendship in different ways.  You must recognize which love language you speak and which love language the other person speaks.   You can send all the flowers you want to a person whose love language is acts of service, but they will have little impact.  Taking out the garbage every night without being asked will have more effect.    You can enjoy all the languages, but decide which one is your primary love language.  Then rank the others.  Communicate your language with your loved ones, learn theirs, and then ask each other how best each of you can speak those languages.   When you speak your partner's language and they speak yours, your relationship will deepen and become more satisfying. That's the power of the languages of love.            "Healthy love can't be demanded nor taken for granted.  It can only be a continuing give-and-take exchange and dialogue between two independent persons who share many values and responsibilities, yet still feel a childlike magic with each other." Denis Waitley   "If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other's desires.  If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants."             Gary Chapman   "Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."             Anais Nin   "Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."             Barbara De Angelis        I vacillated between receiving gifts and acts of service, but when I read this statement in the book, gifts was the shoe in.  "Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts."  John has stood by me through thick and thin over and over again and his presence is what I value the most.  In times of crisis and also in times of joy, my #1 love language is receiving gifts.    I thought the material gifts were most important to me in the early years of my marriage. However, the magical moment of the gift received was just that, a moment.  Looking back now, I realize that the best times were and still are when John is there for me.              And what about John?  Words of affirmation are #1 with physical touch a close second.  It's always been that way.   Have a fantastic week and communicate your love language to those you love.   Stephanie        We grow by "word-of-email" so please feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone whom you think might benefit from and enjoy it. Thanks so much! Contact Us: stephanie@7steps2abalancedlife.com