“You’re not listening to me.”  I bet you’ve heard those words thousands of times, from your spouse, children, parents, patients, team members, and your boss, to name a few.  Chances are you have also said those same words to others in your life.  It’s not a good feeling, is it?  Makes you feel like you’re not important and what you have to say isn’t worthwhile.  Yes, listening is an art, so listen up.

In the book, Co-Active Coaching by Whitworth, Kimsey-House, and Sandahl, three levels of listening are described:
• Level I – Internal Listening – This occurs when we hear the words of the other person, but we are thinking and focusing on what the message means to us.  If you are in a conversation with a dental supply rep about the specifics of your new equipment, your main focus is on you and what you want the operatory to look like.  You are listening to the rep, yet your mind is wandering to the details of the cabinets, where you want the chair, what hi-tech equipment you want, etc.
• Level II – Focused Listening – In this level you are actively focused on the words of the other person.  If the same rep is giving you a presentation on how that new laser works you are totally focused on his words, listening to every detail, and you are oblivious to everything else going on in the office.
• Level III – Global Listening – This is the soft focus listening that takes in everything.  Whereas Levels I and II are focused on words, Level III absorbs the energy, the emotions, and the nuances in the conversation and the environment.  Your senses take over and you pick up on the mood of the other person.  You hear their sadness, joy, anger, fear, etc. and you feel it in the air.  You watch the other’s body language and mirror them.  Your intuition is working and your antennae are in place.  Think of a time when you have been totally engrossed in someone’s story and were able to be truly present with them.

So, let’s apply this to the patient seated in your dental chair, one you are meeting for the first time for a comprehensive exam.  Let’s call him Jim. 

• Level I finds you listening to Jim tell you his concerns, but your mind is wandering to the person in the other operatory, or you just remembered that you have to pick your daughter up from soccer practice on the way home, or the car is due for an oil change.  You’re listening, but how much of the conversation are you missing? 
• Level II finds you more focused on what Jim is telling you, perhaps you are taking notes, maybe repeating it back to him.  You also are not aware that the hygienist just slipped in and left you a note.  Getting better, right? 
• Now, take it to the next Level III and see the difference.  You are totally engaged in the conversation with Jim, asking questions, picking up on his fear of being there, his objections to possible treatment, his hesitations, concerns, and wants. You are able to read him like a book.
• What better time to present treatment than when you have listened at Level III?  Your acceptance level is bound to increase.

Get your scorecard out and tally how you fare with your listening skills in different situations. Be honest with yourself.   Does your team feel listened to?  How about your spouse, your children?  Are others listening intently to you, or can you see their eyes roaming?  Need improvement?  The best way to establish rapport with others is to be truly interested in them.  Focus on them, not you.  When you do this you will find that people will respond to you more readily and your popularity will increase.  Your likeability factor goes up and you will have more fun in and out of the office.

Even better, you won’t be hearing much of “You’re not listening to me” anymore.